Spiritual Guide | Inspirational Speaker | Lorraine Cohen

One of my favorite CD’s is Marianne Williamson’s, “Meditations For A Miraculous Life” . In the evening prayer meditation she talks about being gratefull for the lessons received during the course of the day that invited compassion and love.

In this time of self-reflection she reminds us to ask for forgiveness for the ways we withheld love and that tomorrow we may do better at BEING LOVE.

As human beings we don’t always emulate the qualities of love. We are influenced by our past, cultural conditioning, and day to day experiences that either brings out our best or our worst.

Each of us at  has screwed up, made mistakes, betrayed another, broken promises, and fallen short of our ideals. Surrendering self-contempt is an act of self-love. Forgiveness invites love and compassion. It is through our humanness that our greatness emerges.

When we are willing to soften our heart towards ourselves we can be more authentically loving towards others.

What are some of the ways you are self-punishing?

Do you speak to yourself lovingly or with harshness?

And when you mess up, are you compassionate and forgiving?

The feelings and thoughts you are experience reveals what is asking to be healed. Being willing to separate the truth from the story or drama that is being activated within you allows you to choose to show up from the best of who you are.

And when you are not at your best, make amends with yourself so that you can create opportunities to restore harmony and connections with others.

During those times when you are being unloving towards yourself, imagine you could see yourself through the eyes of the Divine.

What would love see?

What would love say?

What would love do?

Grief and sadness lies beneath anger. As long as we remain judgmental and unforgiving, we are unable to release the pain and come to a place of resolution and inner peace. When we can view each experience as a healing and growth opportunity, we can release the pain.

Forgiveness, compassion, and love is the pathway to joy.

Joy connects us to love, which is our true nature and the essence of God. Approaching life with wonder, like we did as innocent children, invites us to see and attract options and possibilities that can resolve challenges and bring Grace. In wonder we delight in the blessings, gifts, and wonderfull surprises The Divine has for us.

Imagine looking through the eyes of love every day.

Imagine if we all did that.

Imagine the world we would create…..

Ready to fall in love with yourself?

Join me on September 18 in my Pathways to Awakening program. This  four week journey through Self-Love will provide opportunities to explore what love means to you, Divine Love, personal & inner integrity so that you can embrace your value and align with your true nature of love.

Guided by the Divine, the deepening processes and meditations will provide many opportunities to resolve past hurts, angers, resentments, and judgments towards others and especially towards your SELF; to open your heart to experience more peace, love, and Grace. Learn more here and take advantage of special pricing through September 13!

Imagine treating yourself with greater compassion, forgiveness and appreciation as the precious magnificent being you truly are.…

Imagine feeling good about yourself so that you stop punishing yourself and allow the abundance and love you crave to pour into your life.…..

Love and blessings,

Lorraine

Love is our natural state and one that powerfully connects us all in Oneness.

As we move into this new Golden Age it is important for all of us to release the patterns and pain from the past that separate us from our Divinity and our destiny.

Love is the bridge.

Love transforms

Love liberates

To truly, Divinely love another, we must love ourselves first; to draw from that inner love and share it with another is an inside out experience.

Cultivating self-love and being a vehicle from which love flows can be one of the greatest gifts you give to the world. Self-love, compassion, forgiveness…..are often qualities we withhold from ourselves without realizing it.

Over the next several days, I will share three ways to deepen your self- love beginning with today’s focus:

Extreme Self-Care

I use extreme because taking the best care of YOU is serious! When your needs are not being met, your negative thoughts and reactions intensify as your attitude and energy level plummets.

When you are neglecting yourself and not valuing who you are, how well does your life work? How loving are you towards others?

How connected do you feel with your inner wisdom, inspiration, and happiness?

What happens to your relationship with the Divine when you deny love to yourself?

Being positively self-ish and putting yourself first gives you the vitality and desire to be fully there for those you love – by choice, not obligation.

I know some people have  difficulty with the idea of self care without triggering old perceptions of “selfish”.  Remember what you hear on planes about what parents should do if the oxygen mask drops down?

Creating a new definition for self-care is an act of self-love.

Exercise:

1. Create your new self-care definition that gives you lots of permission to be self-loving.

2. Pay attention to the ways in which you are harsh, and unloving with yourself. Make a list of the changes you wish to make in your life like speaking more kindly to yourself, being more self-accepting of your humanness and put these changes into practice.

3. Give yourself permission to do something pleasurable and loving for yourself every day. Commit to daily practices that nourish and energize your body, mind, and spirit.

Ready to fall in love with yourself?

Join me on September 18 in my Pathways to Awakening program. This  four week journey through Self-Love will provide opportunities to explore what love means to you, Divine Love, personal & inner integrity so that you can embrace your value and align with your true nature of love.

Guided by the Divine, the deepening processes and meditations will provide many opportunities to resolve past hurts, angers, resentments, and judgments towards others and especially towards your SELF; to open your heart to experience more peace, love, and Grace. Learn more here and take advantage of special pricing through September 13!

Imagine treating yourself with greater compassion, forgiveness and appreciation as the precious magnificent being you truly are.…

Imagine feeling good about yourself so that you stop punishing yourself and allow the abundance and love you crave to pour into your life.…..

Love and blessings,

Lorraine

I speak quite a bit about how unforgiveness affects EVERYTHING in your life.

Many people think  they have forgiven others and themselves, when they really haven’t.

Below are three questions I am continually asked that keep people from resolving past pain:

1. How can I forgive myself for making choices that has created  pain in my life? (financial hardship, abandoned dreams, loss of self…)

It’s easy to feel good about yourself when your life is going the way you want, isn’t it. We habitually assign labels of good and bad to life experiences and give power to those experiences to be the source of our inner happiness.

Consider this:

A person who loses their job may now have the opportunity to pursue a lifelong dream. Perhaps the work they were doing was joyless and they were too frightened to leave and follow a deeper passion.

Or a person who made decisions that created a financial hardship is provided the opportunity to resolve a ton of past pain, strengthen their relationship and trust with God and align with the deeper purpose of their life that is rich with prosperity and love (as I have).

On the FREE call I hosted last year, I mentioned two questions that I teach in my four week Forgiveness program, beginning May 29.

• What if the decisions you made that created this situation (challenge, hardship) that you thought was Divinely inspired or right for you at the time, was really directed by your ego’s fear (or some other story created by the mind), Could you forgive yourself?
• What if this experience was designed for the sole purpose of waking you up and bringing you closer to your Divine? Could you forgive yourself?

The answers to those questions can create a powerfull transformational shift!

2. How can I forgive someone who has been the source of so much pain for me and others?

Who among us has not behaved poorly, betrayed another, crossed boundaries, hurt another and done things that have brought out the most wounded parts of ourselves with another as well as against ourselves?

For centuries humanity has existed in intense darker energies of pain and fear. Now we are coming brilliantly into the Light and awakening to our true nature of Love.

Towards those who you feel wronged and violated by, take a moment to imagine what must have happened to that person as a child to have turned them into the deeply wounded person they have become. And be willing to ask that same question of yourself if you struggle with self-forgiveness?

Injustices, violations, betrayals can feel like personal attacks and the truth is, most times they are not personal while having a personal impact. As the receiver, you are experiencing the other person’s pain that is being projected onto you. The ability to see beyond the other person’s action, even those viewed as unforgivable, as the result of deep inner pain, open the heart to greater compassion and healing. This is a process…..

Forgiveness does not mean that what happened did not matter or have an impact on your life. Forgiveness allows you to come to peace within yourself by accepting what happened without resistance and “coming home” to who you really are – a brilliant Light and presence that nothing can ever extinguish. What you surrender is your reaction.

Life experiences, qualities, or behaviors can define you if you identify with them. The story you tell is the story you live. Or they can be pathways to expanding your potential and your liberation.

Our lives are shaped by our experiences - how we interpret and identify with them.

It is your choice to empower another person or event to become your life story or… to use past experiences upon which to rewrite your future.

3. How do I stop blaming and judging myself so forgiveness can happen?

Cultivating self-love and compassion allows for forgiveness to occur. The first step towards forgiveness is having the willingness to forgive. Embodying forgiveness is an internal transformational process that involves the mind, the heart and soul, and most importantly, The Divine.

Be gentle with yourself and continue to invite God to guide through this healing journey. Be open to face and embrace those parts of yourself that are in need of tenderness.

To allow Grace and love in, you must surrender your attachments, your resistance to accepting whatever is happening in each moment, your expectations, and your control; to be compassionate with your own humanness and be open to allow The Divine to guide your life experiences.

If you resonate with what I have written and want to feel more peace and love within yourself as well as experience greater abundance in your life, join me on May 29, for Pathways to Awakening, 4 week Journey Through Forgiveness.

I’ll share PROVEN keys and processes that WORK to help you end suffering.

I’ve been doing this work with thousands of people like you for more than 25 years.  You can’t fully live in the present when you are anchored in the past.

The early tuition expires at midnight EST, May 24! On May 25, the tuition goes up.

Reserve your seat here

In four weeks you will have multiple opportunities to unlock the doors to have more financial abundance, rewarding relationships, vibrant health, meaningful work, passion, more love, the freedom to be authentically you ….and so much more with the Divine guiding this journey. I’ll show you how!

The only thing you have to lose is your pain. What you have to gain is……well…limitless.

Reserve your seat here

Love and blessings,

Lorraine

(Image, Amanda Cass)

Feeling obligated, responsible, and manipulated into doing something you don’t want to do through fear or guilt makes life painfull. You feel you have to, you must, you should because if you don’t you will lose something you deeply care about - love, approval, friendship, money..

Without feeling you have a choice to say yes or no on your own terms inhibits your personal freedom to be powerfully and exquisitely YOU.

Is your life ruled by have fear-filled tos or empowered choices? If you are tolerating any situation because of fear, take an honest look at the TRUTH.

Whose life are you living? Yours or someone else’s?

It takes courage and an act of self-love to show up for yourself.

Where are you giving your power away? As you give yourself permission to reClaim your Self, you serve others to do the same. Love is freedom. Perhaps this is part of your life purpose…

Whatever is happening in your life, the one choice you always retain is how you interpret your experiences. Your perception determines how you experience every moment - inner prison or freedom?

You have great power within you. You always have. You always will. And within this power is great love and compassion as well as great courage and inner strength. Live life with the innocence of a child and the courage of a lion. This is your time to shine ♥

Love and blessings,

Lorraine

In my 25+ years of coaching, spiritually guiding, and counseling people we spend many months on self-awareness. You can’t change something you don’t recognize. So, building awareness is the first step.

What many believe is that when they become conscious of a belief, negative pattern, or past pain they will be magically transformed. The only thing that changes is that they uncovered something they didn’t know.  Sometimes what is revealed confirms or clarifies something they suspected or knew at a deeper level of awareness.

Or they feel they have been working with specific issues for a period of time and they feel frustrated because their “stuff” is still popping up.

I thought I was done with this!

I’ve worked on this FOREVER!

How do I get rid of ____ permanently?

Becoming aware of something is not a magic bullet. Relying on mental processes like affirmations can create shifts in beliefs but… real transformation occurs in your heart. You cannot think yourself into opening your heart.

There is a 12 inch gap between your head and your heart. The head is ruled by the ego and your subconscious mind. The soul governs the heart.

People consistently ask me for resources and techniques that will get rid of their unwanted thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. I shake my head in compassion. They are still trying to sidestep the “feeling” part of the healing journey by trying to control, manage, and direct their experience.

Transformation is a feeling NOT a thinking experience.

Transformation is a process not a technique; an inner shift into a higher state of consciousness and vibration.

A client of mine has been working with a childhood hurt centered on feeling abandoned and betrayed by her parents. This theme has played out throughout her life. When she feels that wound emerging in her close relationships, she feels enraged.  Over the years she has developed understanding and compassion for others in recognizing that they too, are suffering from pain.

She has also come to recognize the ways she has abandoned and betrayed herself by not speaking up, breaking self-agreements,  having loose boundaries….Even though some of her beliefs about herself and others have changed, the  pain of betrayal still packs a strong emotional charge.

Why?  She gets stuck in anger and revisiting past memories. She swirls around in rage and self-righteous indignation that protects her heart from touching the real pain which I believe is a well of grief. She’s been trying to use her intellect and mental processes, we have done in sessions, to transform the past and avoid doing the “feeling” work.

Within that deep sorrow is a need for forgiveness and love for others and most especially, for herself. Until she is willing to fully feel and embrace her sadness and open her heart to forgive, she will stay stuck in this pattern of hurt no matter how many times she tries to change her beliefs, think differently, and make herself be at peace.

Last year during a health situation, I discovered guilt I had been harboring in my body that had to do with a conversation I had with  my mother over 30 years ago. My mother was in despair, and I lacked the words to counsel and console her. I felt I abandoned and betrayed her. Several years later she died from leukemia.

Even though I recalled the memory and had worked on lots of forgiveness and self-love, I was unaware of how much guilt and blame I carried in my heart for her death. Once revealed the floodgates of sadness opened and I was sobbing. In a session with a trusted healer, I was able to bring the pain to peace and love.

Life is an ongoing onion peel experience. You are proof of that. We keep uncovering pieces of specific life themes because we have buried our stuff under so many layers to protect ourselves and survive.

You might find some complex themes still playing in your life because there are some pieces you have not uncovered that still hold a painful emotional charge. They might be wounds that have been deeply buried because they are so tender.

Instead of getting annoyed or frustrated, welcome recurring patterns and beliefs when they emerge. They reveal themselves to you when you are strong and open hearted enough to invite your pain to be healed.  You cannot outrun yourself. Wherever you go, you take YOU and your stuff with you.

Yes, heart openings often include pain. Pain validates your hurt. Many times the release of pain and healing can happen very quickly with Grace, and even joy. Transformation is a journey of courage and commitment to walk through those dark places into the light and reclaiming your Self.

Each time you recognize, feel, accept, and embrace things about yourself with love and compassion, your heart expands. Each time you welcome all parts of your humanness, you come back into greater states of wholeness. Each time you feel self-love, you reUnite with the Divine.

I believe that developing a strong inner foundation, relationship with your soul, and bond with the Divine are essential keys to real transformation; to transcend the past and move into higher states of consciousness and vibration. Trying to do this work alone is unrealistic.

And an act of self-love is realizing when you need help to get out of your own way and have someone you trust to be a witness, a space holder and partner in walking through, not around, your pain. Seek professional help with someone skilled at navigating this tender terrain.

You ARE worth it!

You are also invited to join me for a 4-week transformational healing journey to open your heart to deeper self-love beginning Wednesday, January 23.

The highly potent program includes weekly meditations, EFT, and deepening processes that have catapulted past participants into higher states of joy, abundance, peace.. is  designed in the moment by God to release your emotional burdens and liberate your True Self.

Learn more and take advantage of payment options and early tuition before January 18 at midnight EST and join with me for a 4-week journey into Self-Love here.

Registration for this powerfull program ends at midnight EST January 18 too.

Love and blessings,

Lorraine

“…Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of the Universe. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others…” ~ From A RETURN TO LOVE by Marianne Williamson

You have a purpose in being here

You matter

You are beautiful

You are smart

You are good

You are whole (not broken)

YOU ARE LOVE

You ARE ENOUGH

Your soul knows that.

The Divine knows that.

Love is the energy of this new Age of Enlightenment.

The veil of separation between your Human Self and Soul Self is lifting to reconnect you with Divine LOVE. 

You might be facing some difficult life challenges in your – relationships, health, finances, business which are opportunities to break your heart open to access that LOVE.

Imagine what it might feel like to be embody LOVE in every moment no matter what is happening…

Here are five ways to be more self-loving with yourself (and others):

1. Notice when you are being too harsh with yourself. Your natural state is love.  Pay attention to your thoughts, self-talk and how you speak about yourself to others. Listen to the words you use to express in your head and out loud.  Do your words, thoughts and actions reflect love compassion, forgiveness, patience…? Look for opportunities to soften your heart and allow the love to flow.  Do you speak or think of yourself like a loving friend or a critical parent?

2. Treat your body with love and respect. Do you mistreat and abuse your body by ignoring what you know will help you to feel vital, vibrant, and alive?  You might ignore when you need to rest, exercise, eat more healthy, take breaks, meditate…..Do you withhold love by choosing to do things that might negatively impact on your health and well-being? Do you prioritize your self-care? Look for ways to honor your body and your needs as the treasure you are!

3. Do something every day that brings you pleasure. Yup, I said every day. What makes you feel good and brings you joy that is positive and uplifting? Do you pamper yourself and do things that make you smile? When you value yourself by doing loving things consistently, your life will be much happier and everyone in your world will reap the benefits.

4. Commit to the relationships in your life that lift your heart and feed your soul. This year look for opportunities to be more engaged with the people you love. Ask for help and allow them to love in return by being there for you when you really need support. Allow the nature flow of love to be both given and received.

5. Engage in daily spiritual practices to connect you with your “Essence” and Divinity. Prayer, contemplation, inspirational reading, walks in nature, meditation….opens our heart to be in loving communion with who we really are and God/Source/Higher Power as we walk though life’s challenges and blessings.  Cultivating the relationship with The Divine invites us to look at life through the eyes of love – to embody love with ourselves and those whose lives we touch.

Demonstrations of self- love are great ways to open your heart in concert with doing the inner emotional healing and transforming beliefs on both the conscious and subconscious level.

Ready to fall in deeper love with your Self?

Join in the next Pathways to Awakening Journey Into Self- Love, beginning Tuesday, November 13.

The weekly meditations and deepening processes that have catapulted past participants into higher states of joy, abundance, peace…are all designed in the moment by God to work on conscious and subconscious levels to heal and open your heart and create reconnection with your Sacred Self. Adding EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) had made the program even more potent.

Imagine releasing old pain, beliefs, and patterns you have been carrying in your heart for years with Grace, even joy?

Impossible? Not in this program !

Go read what other folks have said and experienced.

If the program resonates with your heart, LISTEN and reserve your seat with the early tuition before it expires on November 9!

You deserve it!!

PS! Listen to my FREE call on Self-Love here

Love and blessings,

Lorraine
www.powerfull-living.biz/pathways/

My blogging buddy Daylle Deanna Schwartz emailed me about a 31-day self-love challenge to kick off 2013 in January by writing about love. Receive her FREE ebook, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count The Ways.

What a great idea to write articles on self-love especially with this shift in consciousness to embody love!

Below is a revised post I wrote in January 2011. Enjoy!

To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance” - Oscar Wilde

Fear and unworthiness are two main issues that powerfully affect self-confidence and self-esteem. How we feel about ourselves affects every aspect of our lives: business success, relationships, happiness, health & wellness….

Do you…

•  Call yourself names when you feel you made a mistake? 
•  Sabotage your best intentions and break self-agreements?
• Focus more on what you feel is bad and wrong about you rather than celebrate what makes you amazing?

When we lack feelings of self-worth and self-love, we don’t allow ourselves to receive the good that is being offered to us in so many ways. Ouch!

We often associate our value and lovability with our roles, our jobs, our responsibilities and how we serve others.

Too often we focus on what we most need to change and what is wrong with us rather than seeing what is right and valuable about who we really are. If I had a $1.00 for every time I heard people’s pain about feeling inadequate and worthless, I would have quite a bit of money.

Self-love, compassion, forgiveness…..are often qualities we withhold from ourselves without realizing it. When we are harboring negative feeling towards ourselves we neglect, punish, and deny  ourselves the very things we need most to experience the best of life.

No one can beat you up better than you, right?

My good friend Anita Pathik Law used to ask me, “Whose rules are those?” when she heard me being too tough on myself rather than being forgiving.  I had never considered myself a perfectionist so it was a surprise to discover that there are times when my standards and rules about who I think I should be…. sets me up for feeling awful if I fail to live up to them. Yuk!

We came into this life filled with love and wonder.  Life circumstances, cultural conditioning, relationships, has wired us to question our true value and to feel we are not good enough.

You are not broken

You do not need to be fixed

You need to wake up and remember who you really are!

Below is an adapted exercise from my 4-week mini journey into Self-Love in my Pathways to Awakening program

I invite you to acknowledge what you do AND celebrate who you are.

1. What I love about myself is (acknowledge a quality, strength, or gift about yourself that you are proud of and willing to own.

2. What makes me fabulous, wonderfull, lovable, and valuable is.

3. What I am most proud of is (I invite you to BRAG. Yup, you heard me – its crowing time. Stand up and tell it like it is, baby! Whoo-hoo!)

Use extra paper to fill in your answer! 

Let’s take this farther….

Begin each day by looking at yourself in the mirror and say out loud

(Your name) You are fabulous, lovable, wonderfull, and valuable!

Turn it into a declaration. Stand strong and say out loud

I am fabulous, lovable, wonderfull, and valuable!

Say these statements with ownership, pride, passion…Breathe into the words, and take them into you heart and body!  Let go of feeling foolish or self-conscious. It’s time to own the truth about who you really are!

Now it’s your turn to be the recipient, ok?

Invite others to celebrate YOU! In the next 24 hours, email close trusted friends for feedback. Ask them:

What you love about me?

What do you think is wonderfull and fabulous about me?

What do you value most about me?

The first time I did this exercise I had to breathe quite a bit to take the love in. WOW!

*This exercise invites you to receive love from others that you might be deflecting and discarding. Give yourself the gift of feeling and receiving love - from yourself and the people who are crazy about you. 

If you do not love yourself, how can you truly love another?

And how can you expect others to love you?

Ready to fall in deeper love with your Self?

Join in the next Pathways to Awakening Journey Into Self- Love, beginning Tuesday, November 13.

The weekly meditations and deepening processes that have catapulted past participants into higher states of joy, abundance, peace…are all designed in the moment by God to work on conscious and subconscious levels to heal and open your heart and create reconnection with your Sacred Self. Adding EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) had made the program even more potent.

Imagine releasing old pain, beliefs, and patterns you have been carrying in your heart for years with Grace, even joy?

Impossible? Not in this program !

Go read what other folks have said and experienced.

If the program resonates with your heart, LISTEN and reserve your seat with the early tuition before it expires on November 9!

You deserve it!!

PS! Listen to my FREE call on Self-Love here

Love and blessings,

Lorraine
www.powerfull-living.biz/pathways/

Relationships are the cornerstone of our life experiences that continually invite forgiveness.  Many people tell me that they can more easily forgive others and they struggle with self-forgiveness, harboring self-judgments, regrets, resentments, and anger.

From the many comments I hear and emails I receive, the depth of regrets, resentments, self-judgments, blame, self-criticism…that people are carrying is staggering.

Is that you?

Growing up, were you taught self-love and acceptance? Did you see forgiveness modeled in a healthy way?

Unforgiveness blocks the good that is yours to claim.

Unforgiveness separates you from your True Self and the Divine.  That separation is the greatest wound humanity suffers.

Unforgiveness affects EVERY area of life: health, money, relationships, success, well-being, connection to God…
Your life is evidence of how you feel about yourself.

That’s why I am inviting you to join me for:

Forgiveness: Pathway To Inner Peace, Grace & Abundance

March 13, 2020, 6:30 pm EST/3:30 PST

In this 60-75 minute call you’ll learn:

1. Why you can’t “think yourself” into forgiving and what you MUST do to let inner peace and Grace in.

2. Shifting forgiveness and self-love from a concept to embodiment.

3. How to tell when you are harboring unforgiveness.

4. Transcending the “Blame Game” trap.

5. The impact of holding onto resentments, judgments, anger, regrets on ALL areas of your life: your health, finances, relationships, and self-love.

6. Why it is  to critical to develop compassion, love, and forgiveness for yourself especially in 2012.

The call will end with The Oneness Blessing which is an energy transmission from the Divine to accelerate inner healing and “Awakening”.

Register here even if you can’t make it live. The replay will be available through March 20.

On this FREE call you’ll be invited to join me for a four week mini journey through forgiveness to liberate your mind and heart to allow more inner peace, joy, love and abundance to flow to you and through you. This is the year to begin experiencing greater liberation from the past and the grip of your mind! The Pathways to Awakening: Journey Through Forgiveness program begins Tuesday, March 20.

“See you” soon,

Love and blessings,

Lorraine

Conflict is a normal part of two people with different needs, interests, and motivations coming together. It’s how conflict is handled that determines the quality and ultimate success of a relationship.

Researchers at the University of Washington (the same researchers who can predict the future success of a relationship with 93% accuracy) have discovered that successful relationships address conflict using a single technique - one that’s so effective at addressing conflict that it’s called a repair.

REPAIR

A repair is a gesture that shows respect and concern for the other despite disagreement. Repairs take on many forms, but all aim at resolving a conflict together—as opposed to winning a conflict on your own. A repair can be anything from suggesting a compromise, to owning your half of the situation, to voicing respect for another party, to using humor to break tension.

In the heat of an argument, a repair sends an instant signal that you think the other person is important, that you respect him or her, and that you’re willing to put the good of the relationship ahead of your self-interest. Repairs don’t just improve the outcomes of the conflicts that you weave them into. They inject health into relationships that have been damaged by discord.

MAKING REPAIRS

It’s safe to assume that we’ve all had conversations that could use a repair. A simple discussion breaks into a disagreement or gets stuck going around in circles. In these broken conversations, past mistakes get brought to the surface, regretful comments are made, and blame is prevalent.

No matter who said what, or who “started it,” it’s time to refocus and fix things. It’s time for you to step back, quickly assess the situation, and begin repairing the conversation. Repairs happen in a four-step process:

STEP ONE – TAKE YOUR EMOTIONS OUT OF THE DRIVER’S SEAT

A repair involves moving beyond the expression of anger, resentment, and hostility toward the other party. Your first hope for a successful repair lies in your self-awareness. You can’t improve on an argument if you’re being thrown over a barrel by your emotions. Disagreements bring your emotions rushing to the surface, and you can’t perform a repair unless you understand them. Don’t waste time feeling guilty about your feelings. Just focus your energy on understanding them for what they are. If you find your emotions are so strong that it’s hard to think clearly, it is probably best to save the discussion for later.

If you’re so emotional that you’re getting tunnel vision, feeling sick, or are just in a haze, the most successful repair is explaining to the other party that you feel overwhelmed and need some time to cool off and get your thoughts together before continuing. Your argument is not going anywhere, so don’t pressure yourself into a discussion when you can’t think clearly.

STEP TWO – TAKE A LOOK AT THE FIELD FROM THE OTHER SIDE

If you are composed enough to have some perspective on the situation, you can initiate the next step in a repair. Use your social awareness skills to focus your thoughts on what things must be like in the other person’s shoes. Don’t spend time thinking about what they’re like. Just imagine what they’re thinking and feeling.

What’s important to them and how is that driving their behavior? You can’t launch a successful repair until you fully understand why the other person is doing whatever it is that they are doing.

You have to show the other person that you care about how things look from their point of view, even if you don’t agree with it. This can’t happen until you actually see things the way they do. To do so, you need to let go of blame and focus on the repair. Do you want to be right, or do you want a resolution?

Move beyond thinking of ways that you can convince the other party of your opinions, and ask yourself what you can do to honor their feelings. Respecting another’s opinions, right or wrong, is the key to compromise.

STEP THREE – MAKE A REPAIR AND EVALUATE ITS EFFECTIVENESS

At this stage of the game, all you need to do is craft your repair and give it a whirl. Keep in mind that an effective repair will:

• Show respect for the other party

• Show concern for the other party’s perspective

• Find common ground

• Be  neutral in tone

The look of a successful repair can be as varied as the problems it solves. A repair that works in one situation with one person may just make things worse in another. Saying “What exactly do you mean by that?” can sound like you are minimizing the issues in the middle of one argument, but be received as a sign of wanting to make things better in another.

To perform a successful repair, arm yourself with the knowledge that many of your attempts will crash and burn. Even an empathetic comment like, “I understand what you are saying,” can be perceived as belittling if the other party is defensive or not accustomed to you saying this.

Be ready to try multiple repairs in a single argument and expect that they will not all go off without a hitch. The more you repair, the more the other party will be receptive and do the same. People with the best skills at repairing disagreements are the same ones who try the most often.

STEP FOUR – DISCUSS REPAIRS TOGETHER

It will also help your relationship to discuss repairs together. If you can talk about your arguments, you are both more likely to initiate repairs the next time you have one. When repair attempts are always one-sided, a relationship usually fails. Both parties need to work to resolve challenges together.

By talking about repairs, you develop the understanding that they are important. Even if the other party has trouble making repairs the next time the two of you argue, he or she will likely recognize your effort and realize that it is an attempt to make things better.

A successful repair must be initiated by one partner at a time, but when the other responds in kind, the relationship builds an unshakable strength that can only come from a high level of emotional intelligence.

A little effort on to repair a damaged relationships can help communication around the festive table go smoothly and positively regardless of the subject matter!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Travis Bradberry, Ph.D.

Dr. Travis Bradberry is the award-winning co-author of “Emotional Intelligence 2.0” and the cofounder of TalentSmart, a think tank and consultancy that serves more than 75% of Fortune 500 companies and is the world’s leading provider of emotional intelligence tests and training. His bestselling books have been translated into 25 languages and are available in more than 150 countries. Dr. Bradberry has written for, or been covered by, Newsweek, BusinessWeek, Fortune, Forbes, Fast Company, Inc., USA Today, The Wall Street Journal, The Washington Post, and The Harvard Business Review.

Love and blessings,

Lorraine

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover the prisoner was YOU”. -Unknown

No one can beat you up better than YOU. Without love and compassion you can torment and punish yourself in ways that isolates you from the love and help from others, your soul, and the God of your understanding. It can feel like living in an inner hell with no hope of release.

On call with a client who spoke about her upset with her 12-year old son, the subject of forgiveness came up. In the midst of a divorce, her oldest son was projecting his distress towards her in ways that felt hurtful and deprecating.

Already feeling guilty about the impact the divorce was having on her four children, she was silently allowing her son to take his upset out on her because a part of her felt she deserved it.

As we spoke she realized that she needed to forgive herself for the judgments she was holding against herself for ending her marriage, which she knew in her heart was the right thing to do for herself and her family. Her guilt did not give permission to be punished by herself or her son.

Allowing her son to act out disrespectfully without accountability or the tools to positively express and release his fear and pain in a healthy way was unloving to herself and to the close relationship she has fostered with him for 12-years.

In upcoming sessions, we’ll focus on self-forgiveness for the divorce and explore where she is holding resentments, judgments, anger, blame…. that is weighing heavily on her heart and soul.

As we ended the session, she had some steps to begin to support her son, her other children, and herself in a more loving way as they worked through the divorce and the transition.

Is there a current situation that you wish to change that was caused by choices you made in the past?

It could be a relationship challenge, work struggle, financial issue or something that could affect your future.

For example, you might be dealing with a financial hardship because of choices you made in the past. You might be harboring anger, resentment, regrets, and judgments towards yourself for the decisions you made that you thought were in your best interest at the time. You might have even felt that you were following your “gut” and now that things didn’t go the way you hoped, your faith and trust is shaky.

In retrospect, you wish you could turn back the clock and do things differently. You might blame yourself or someone else for where you are.

Self-Forgiveness Exercise

Think of a situation that has made your life feel difficult, painful, scary… that you judge, blame, beat yourself up for? What in your life is causing you to feel unhappiness, anger, fear, stress….?

Ask yourself:

• What judgments and beliefs are you holding against yourself for this situation? What was your role in creating it?
• How are you using your upset against yourself? What are you doing to YOU?
• What if this situation was designed for the sole purpose of waking you up and bringing your closer to your Divine ? Could you forgive yourself?
• If you said yes, what would you be thinking and saying to yourself that might be more loving and compassionate?

To receive the full benefits of healing, you must have the courage to feel what you are afraid to feel and the curiosity to uncover the real truth which can be very different from what you believe to be true. You also have to be willing for transformation to occur without knowing how or when.

Willingness opens the door for healing to be possible.

Self-Love Exercise

This is a great exercise I adapted from my friend Marci Shimoff’s book, “Love For No Reason” that I really like.

Pay attention over the next week to the times you feel harsh, self-judging, self-critical, angry towards yourself or when you feel clingy or needy.

Take a moment to ask yourself:

“What is the most loving thing I can do for myself right now? or

“What is the most loving way I can be with myself right now?”

“What is the most loving thing I can say to myself right now”?

Listen and act on the answer you receive

Compassion and empathy opens our heart to love.

Relationships are the cornerstone of our life experiences that continually invite forgiveness.  Many people tell me that they can more easily forgive others and they struggle with self-forgiveness, harboring self-judgments, regrets, resentments, and anger.

Is that you?

Unforgiveness separates you from your True Self and the Divine.  That separation is the greatest wound humanity suffers.

Unforgiveness blocks the good that is yours to claim.

Join me Tuesday, July 19, 7-8:30 pm EST, for a special evening to take a mini journey through Self-Forgiveness.

Call in or listen online.

 Experience a special process designed to support you in being liberated from unforgiveness, opening a pathway for greater love and grace AND a deeper connection with your Personal Divine.

The call will be recorded to download the mp3 file so you can listen to the session at your convenience.

Imagine feeling more peace within yourself …..and being able to resolve the past with compassion and self-love.

Imagine creating a more welcoming place within you to receive the blessings the Universe wants to bestow upon you.

Register for only $27. Learn more by clicking here

This evening will be Divinely guided and just may be an answer to one of your prayers!

Love and blessings,

Lorraine